Sehnsucht: Wishing for the impossible

And the joy of not having it all.

Image by Michaela, at home in Germany

Sehnsucht (German)

In my twenties, I would drive to my childhood home every Friday night to do laundry and watch TV with my mom. We’d watch What Not to Wear followed by hours of House Hunters. It was our little ritual. We’d order takeout, wait for my clothes to dry, and fantasize about a more luxurious life. “Wouldn’t you love to have a house like that?” I asked her one night, probably pointing to some McMansion by the beach. After a pause, my mom replied, “Not really. If you get everything you want, life is boring.”

Back then, I thought my mom was nuts. Boring? I couldn’t disagree more. There was so much I wanted in life, and I wanted to cram it all in as fast as possible. I shrugged off her attitude as a remnant of growing up in poverty. Maybe she didn’t think she deserved more out of life. Or maybe she didn’t want to get her hopes up. Either way, I thought her reply was sweet but kind of sad.

Years later, I think I better understand my mother’s perspective. It feels good to get what you want, but sometimes, it feels better to want it. If my mom had the mansion by the beach, maybe we wouldn’t be sitting together every Friday night, dreaming about what it might be like to have a mansion by the beach. (But, for the record, if you’re giving one away, I’ll take it.)

There’s a certain kind of bittersweet pleasure in orienting yourself toward the unattainable. Recently, I stumbled upon a German word related to this concept. Sehnsucht translates to “longing,” but it describes a type of longing or yearning for a nearly impossible ideal. One paper defined it as “intense desires for ideal states of life that are remote or unattainable.” It’s a word that describes the balance between searching for happiness and meaning while struggling to cope with our “unrealizable wishes.” 

Of course, there’s a difference between the Sehnsucht you might feel for a materialistic goal—the fantasy life my mom and I would bond over—and the Sehnsucht one might feel for more meaningful pursuits. But even those more materialistic goals might point to a deeper longing. Psychologists have long been interested in the concept of Sehnsucht and say it’s defined by six core characteristics:

1. Utopian conceptions of ideal development 

2. A sense of incompleteness and imperfection of life 

3. Conjoint time focus on the past, present, and future 

4. Ambivalent (bittersweet) emotions

5. Reflection and evaluation of one’s life 

6. Symbolic richness

Some experts say Sehnsucht gives people direction. “Life longings have important developmental functions,” one study concludes, “ including giving directionality for life planning and helping to cope with loss and important, yet unattainable wishes by pursuing them in one's imagination.” There are all kinds of benefits associated with having a sense of purpose in life, and Sehnsucht can contribute to that purpose, even if it’s just out of reach.

I think back to my mom’s point about how there can be a peculiar pleasure in not having everything you want. Maybe we all need “unrealizable wishes.” Something we know we’ll never get, but we keep trying to get anyway. Usually, when I make resolutions around this time of year, I find myself toning them down. I’ll think of something big that I want to do or work toward or accomplish, but then I’ll think, “Nah, that’s impossible, make it smaller.” Be realistic, the voice in my head says, because it wants to avoid the pain of not getting the thing. This year, maybe I’ll ignore that voice.

Archives

The Case for Not Setting Goals: (Forge, 2021) When I was 12, I plotted out my entire life on a ream of perforated printer paper. It was a long, skinny timeline of events and milestones…then I rolled up my entire life and shoved it into a desk cubby.

Playlist

• I worked on this episode of Hidden Brain featuring psychologist Adam Grant and his work on potential, and how we have more of it than we think.

• Ira Glass talks to comedian Mike Bribiglia about storytelling.

• A very short poem about words.

 — Kristin