L'esprit de l'escalier

Shut up, Becky!

L'ESPRIT DE L'ESCALIER [French]

Not to brag, but I’m pretty good at comebacks  — I just need a lot of time to come up with them. 

For example, there was the time in college I came to class with a new hairdo. I had just seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s and wanted to try a French twist. The problem was, I had no idea how to do a French twist. So I shoved a bunch of bobby pins into a limp ponytail atop my head and hoped for the best. It must have looked pretty rough when I walked into class and sat down in front of my classmate, whom we’ll call Michael. “Damn, girl,” Michael said. “Is that a rat’s nest on your head or what?” Everyone chuckled and I didn’t know what to say. I froze and probably turned red. But after class, I stewed on his words. I stewed at work, I stewed when I drove home, and I stewed in bed. I stewed and stewed until came up with the perfect comeback.

The French call this feeling l'esprit de l'escalier, which translates to “staircase wit.” The philosopher Denis Diderot coined the term in his essay, Paradoxe sur le Comédien. Describing an incident in which he was insulted, Diderot wrote:

“A sensitive man, such as myself, overwhelmed by the argument leveled against him, becomes confused and doesn't come to himself again until at the bottom of the stairs.”

It’s a pretty common  — and frustrating  — experience that’s best summed up in this clip from The Simpsons. When it happens, you freeze and only think of the perfect response hours later. Of course, by then it’s too late, and the best course of action is to keep it to yourself.

But that’s not what I did. I decided my comeback was too good to keep to myself. The next time our class met, I walked in and sat down in front of Michael. Then I took a breath, turned around, and smirked. “My hair might look like a rat’s nest but it’s better than an empty nest.” You see, Michael was prematurely balding. It took me hours to come up with this insult. And despite it being pretty mean and not all that funny, I was proud of myself. I raised my brow and waited for his reaction. He asked what I was talking about, which kind of watered down the whole thing. And by the time I explained the context and the joke, Michael apologized for his comment and added that he was actually quite sensitive about his balding. I cringed, apologized, and avoided him for the rest of that semester. 

If there’s a lesson here, I guess it’s that some comebacks are better left at l'escalier.

What’s new?

• I’ve been listening to Lara Ehrlich’s podcast, Writer Mother Monster. As a newish mom struggling to understand my changing relationship with creativity and writing, it’s been very insightful.

• I wrote a piece for the New York Times about how cognitive biases can get in the way of good habits.

• I visited Octavia’s Bookshelf, Pasadena's first independent bookstore highlighting BIPOC authors. It was a lovely way to spend a rainy afternoon, and they had an awesome collection. Pay them a visit if you’re in the area :)

 — Kristin

P.S. Can I ask a quick favor? A few readers informed me that my emails were going to their Promotions folder in Gmail. I would be very grateful if you could drag my emails back to your Inbox. The more readers that do this, the less likely it will be to happen. Thank you!